Product Review - Apple I-Phone

This is a true story, although the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Well, except Ryan Billings. If anyone sees that cake hole, knee him in the sternum for me. Thanks.

Much like any blue blooded American (blood is actually red, meaning Americans are stupid), I own an Apple I-Pod. It produces hours of pleasure by allowing me to watch movies in a car, listen to music on a jog, or convert it to a projectile when that fat Chewbacca lady cuts me off on 695. Fuck her. However, I find myself completely dissatisfied with Apple on the whole despite the greatness of the I-Pod and it's extended I-Family.

You see, the I-Pod gave Apple false senses of security by making them believe that it could “do no wrong” with the fan following it obtained using said product. The problem with this logic rests on the shoulders of the consumer. Here we are, asking for a nice product that we don’t want to over pay for and Apple gives us what? The I-Phone. This is (by far) the worst business decision Apple has made as a company since they decided to represent themselves with fruit. Allow me to go down the fact sheet with you so you don’t get yourself all retarded googling shit.

First off, this product has no services to offer the blind members of society, who (believe it or not) use cell phones and have money. So, right off the bat, you’ve alienated an entire group of consumers with just the product design alone- I hope you don’t like money, Apple. But maybe there’s room for hope. Can this product be altered in the future to contain an upgrade making the I-Phone usable to this demographic? Nope. Although the answer doesn’t shock me, it still mildly annoys me that they’re selling products to average people (with all disabilities). You’d think they wouldn’t make this mistake twice, right?

Well, you’d think that. However, next on our list of stupid is the I-Phone price tag. Yes, at its release, this tiny vault of debt hit the shelves at a startling 600 dollars. Six hundred dollars!?! What the fuck!? That’s like a PS3 but smaller and generally less capable of dressing itself! It makes me wonder if Apple, as a member of the electronics and entertainment industry did any market research before launching boxes of I-Phones out of circus cannons? I’ll bet they did. I’ll bet there was a guy named Meriwether who searched yahoo, google, and lolcats for 30 minutes before reporting back to Chief Business Brigadier; Chuck-Paul Waterloo.

CP: “So, how are those online statistics coming?”
M: “Not too bad. Not tooooo bad.”
CP: “Well? What did you learn in the last hour?”
M: “That level 5 of Pac-Man is hard.”
CP: “I meant in regards to the price tag we’re kicking around.”
M: “Oh. That. Yeah, 600 dollars sounds good.”
CP: “There aren’t any other products out now with a 600 dollar retail price that are…say…embarrassing another entertainment company? Are there?”
M: “Nope. I don’t foresee any problems with charging that specific number to the public.”
CP: “No consumers have complained about hefty price tags? On anything?”
M: “God, you’re like my wife. I said NO.”
CP: “Alright. I’m sure this little event won’t cost you your job anytime in the near future.”

So, I was talking with Meriwether at his Royal Farms job the other day when I stopped in for some Ben & Jerry’s. He told me about problem number three with the I-Phone that would, of course, make it to my list for you internet idiots to read.

FACT: 8 gigs is the maximum amount of hard drive space you can purchase for the I-Phone.
FACT: No video playing media device should ever carry less hard drive space then my first computer from 1997.
FACT: The I-Phone designer should get terminal face cancer and die in the trunk of Mandy Patinkin’s Rambler. Take that, Apple fuck.

It’s no surprise that the Apple idea of “fair” in the product market is equivalent to the opinion of a race horse's penis. For that savvy price tag we saw earlier, you get 8 whole gigs! Gee Willickers, Pa! Can I go to the general store for some soda pop later? No you can’t, Jimmy. No you fucking can’t. Your god damned phone costs way too much loot and doesn’t have the storage capacity to even keep a picture of soda pop. So, as movie trailer guy would say: In a world where a terabyte will cost you about 500 dollars, 8 gigabytes will cost you 600.

Apple: Go fuck yourself.

Problem number 4 with this invention is pretty clear cut; everything that surrounds it is a sham. When the public originally purchased the damn thing with the AT&T plan, the whole package cost about a grand. That’s right, 1,000 dollars for a phone that (get this) has a glass touch screen and no screen cover. Yep.

Say, do you remember Chief Business Brigadier Chuck-Paul Waterloo?

CP: “As for that screen protection idea for the phone…are there any other companies that didn’t cover a delicate screen product in the past, and took a lot of shit from the public?”
M: “Not that I recall”
CP: “Think hard, Meriwether. Did any companies make a product that was overpriced and then make a different product that didn’t have screen protection? Were there angry consumers? Think hard.”

So Apple made a product with no cover to protect the obviously valuable screen. I mean, if the screen goes, you are basically anally fisted by an Elvis impersonator wearing a silly hat. It’s not like the screen is consumer replaceable in the event that something could (and will) happen to your expensive toy. So when your screen breaks, you have to mail it to the Apple home office for reparations to be made, however, while awaiting your happy phone, you receive a letter in return.

If you ever want to see your precious I-Phone again, send 50 dollars in unmarked bills to Apple. Do not call the police.

For the sake of not spending all day on this 1,000 dollar cellular phone and all its short comings, let’s get going to the “accessories” part of this discussion. For this section, I have a story to tell that involves me and my Guitar Hero loving friend where we took a trip to the Apple store so he could find a case to protect his precious I-Phone.

First, we went into the store where I realized that everything present was white in color. The floors, the walls, the monitors, the I-pods, the Macs, the headphones, and employees were all white. As I was admiring this curious aesthetic, my friend wandered over to the I-Phone cases so that he could “compare and contrast” the various models, colors and prices. Now, I wasn’t going to make the “holy fuck, that’s too much money” argument since my friend was really into this, but when I saw the prices on those accessories…that’s right, you guessed it.

“Holy fuck, that’s too much money!”

Apparently, the rubber edge case for the phone was 30 dollars! A little case that literally costs no more than 2 cents to make with an injection mold and hot, liquid rubber was priced in store at 30 fucking dollars! Is there an upside to this? FUCKING NO! It didn’t even cover the screen, which is the obvious protection choice here when given your options! Holy fucking tiger urine!! And this story STILL gets worse! As it turned out, they did have some screen protectors. Slim, plastic sheets came in sets of 2 that you place over your screen in hopes of the AVG protection donatable by Kraft Singles plastic wraps. And guess the fuck what?! Another 30 god damn bucks! So, to correctly cover all your protection costs, you need to lay down 60 piss shit dollars (before tax) on a product you already laid 500 down on before you even add the plan consisting of another 500 dollars before you ADD THE GOD DAMNED MONTHLY FEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wcftycfwrubnlkerbppqswerweioopwekweopjgonf34uy89hnjnbn!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK!

Who the hell does Apple think we are?! Oh my god, this company hires fucking litters of shackle-cats to create these products before they are inevitably sold to us, the broke-ass public. Apple got too cocky too fast and it bit them in the ass, leaving that little chunk missing from their logo. Eventually, the masses stood up to Apple and said “I swear to God, if you don’t lower this price, I’m going to poke a water buffalo in the anus until I release him into your bedroom.” Apple responded by eventually lowering the prices and agreeing to pay out hojillions of dollars to the foolish community who already purchased the stupid phone. This was a big deal in the online community and headlines made it across the www from Digg to YTMND. This is where our last piece of hilarity is revealed.

Now, you’d imagine that something so controversial would hit the big time on Wikipedia, right? Well, you’d imagine correctly, however, Apple isn’t gonna have all that negativity on their product, even if it means hand editing the article to make sure no truths get by. Try this link for starters.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-Phone#Availability.2C_sales.2C_and_pricing

You’ll notice the lack of…well…anything. I’d be willing to bet the price of an I-Phone that Apple had something to do with this. *sigh* There is only so much I can take from a company that should have known better, and though I still stand by the I-Pod as a fantastic product, all of you turd burglars should stay away from the I-Phone.

Especially if you want to retire.

Oh, and for the record, Happy (late) Halloween everyone. I hope your evening was filled with drunken delusions that you ever had a chance with that girl at the party dressed as a “hooker nurse.” Good luck getting over that.

Until the next horrible thing,
-Sassy Frog