Movie Review - Hostel

I started my day by rolling out of bed and attempting to hit the snooze button on my alarm, now blaring “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye. I missed twice in a row and grabbed the nearest object I could find to launch toward the musical sleep killer. The first thing my hands procured turned out to be my cat; Atari. I learned an important lesson about cats today- they don’t fly, but they run fuckin’ fast. I also learned to look before you leap. Actually, look before you catapult mammals through the air. This can be translated into a lesson learned about watching movies too. For example, my friend showed up at my front door and insisted we watch Eli Roth’s “Hostel.” I wasn’t so sure about this plan (follow your heart) but I went along with it anyways assuming that he knew it was a good movie. So I did what any true friend would do; I conned him into ordering lunch in return for my patient sitting through this movie. I hate to move forward here, but free mushroom pizza does all the talking, so here we go.

The first thing to hit the screen is “Quentin Tarantino presents.” There is so much I want to say right now, but maybe I shouldn’t get my panties in a knot just yet. After all, it is the first 4 seconds of the movie. Wait. 4 seconds? Wow, this movie got real shitty real fast. Anyways, everything opens with a guy whistling an indiscernible tune while we pan what appears to be a torture chamber. It could also be a McDonald’s, but I don’t see the Grimace anywhere. I guess it could Mayor McCheese whistling, though. Damn. I suppose I should give up my dream of happy meals and sesame seed buns considering the plot synopsis. Also, I want you assholes to know what kind of shit I go through for this damn blog. I sacrifice IQ points to entertain you jerk-offs with my time. Fuck you all to Alabama. *ahem* moving on…

The scene changes to a bunch of shackle-cat stoners traveling through Amsterdam looking for the meaning of life, who (like other stoners) seem to think can be found in marijuana. They eventually stumble into a night club listening to the worst music I have ever heard since Paul Oakenfold. One of them found a horny girl in the bathroom and is so proud of it that he relies on the highest quality camera phone on earth to document the questionable event. Before long, Huey, Dewey, and Lewie get evicted from the club for being conductors aboard the douche bag express. Now the trio have to forage for a home after prancing the night away if they care to get any rest.

As it turns out, they shack up with some nerd who doesn’t even own a Nintendo. Fucker. Anyways, the 3 are cleverly tricked into visiting THE Hostel by Mr. Notendo with false promises of a Vagina Rodeo. Within micro hours, the Blue Barracudas surpass the Green Monkeys and end up on a train to Slovakia, accompanied by Old Meck. An awkward conversation erupts with the young men that send Edward Saladhands out the door and out of their lives for good. Or does it? Only the ominous musical score can tell, and it’s not talking.

*Contact ominous musical score for secret family recipe*

The metro stops and lets the boys off at an REO Speedwagon concert just as ”Keep On Loving You” starts to play. Instead, it should have dropped them off in Back to the Future 3. That would have been way better, but to my dismay, Eli Roth knows nothing of the wonders encased in Hill Valley – 1885. Anyways, after arriving at the hostel, the boys get to their room just in time to see boobies (hooray!). Also, Oley tries for his best Ace Ventura impression while occupying space in a sauna with a dynamic duo of the D-cup proportion. Following mild embarrassment, and me checking my watch for the 3rd time so far, everything here ends with a night club experience where Oley proves his royalty namesake. Actually, I hope Oley doesn’t die. I kinda like him, but he’s not quite enough to keep my interest in this flick. Something awesome better happen soon or I want my money back. What? Now we’re in an alley?

In the alley, we’re reunited with Lt. Creepylips as he drives away the lost boys with promises of Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. The children flee in terror as they may be subjected to Aqua Teen reruns- the only fate worse then ending up in an Eli Roth movie. Ya know, side note, this movie and its soundtrack are kind of all over the place. I hope this flick has a fucking point somewhere buried deep beneath all this bullshit. If it does, I hope that it gets there really fast because this is just obnoxious. My watch face and I are starting to develop a codependency on each other, and I’ll bet counseling is the only thing that can fix it.

Frog: “No ma’am, just send my bill to 1563 Asshole Way, Analpush California, 90210.”
Dr: “And whom shall I make the bill out to?”
Frog: “Eli Q. Roth (the “Q” is for “stupid.”)”

Currently happening in the movie: After a quiet evening of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, 2 of our remaining heroes find out that their friend (fuck, it was Oley) is missing. Now it’s a race against the clock to find him and his asiany girlfriend before something terrible happens (imagine that they make a Wuzzles movie- yes, that kind of terrible).

OK, so the clock means shit because of the scene where Whistler’s Uncle has already introduced Oley to H.R. Puff’nMurder. The Asian girlfriend is next on the list of people to cut the toe off of. Apparently the list is long and only the crème de la crème get in without a reservation. The scene fades away to a rolling of the credits. Huh? Is that really the end of the movie? I guess it is. Well I’ll be damned if this wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. Honestly, I expected a bunch of brutal murders and some terrible dialogue to fill a void left by the unrealistic plot this movie could have contained. Lucky for us it ended here, eh? Haha. I guess 20 minutes of 3 assholes trying to get laid is better than porn where in 40 minutes, 3 assholes do get laid. I concur.

I suppose I can’t get too mad at a movie like this. I mean, it had the potential to suck some serious bull boner, but backed out at the last minute like a 5 year old on the high dive. Also, I can actually understand Eli’s need to reel the audience in with a realistic effect gimmick. Make a torture movie that’s so awful that it actually tortures the person watching it. It’s actually kind of brilliant if you ask me, and apparently you are or you would have redirected to http://www.lolcats.com/ by now. I mean sure, this movie was fuckin’ terrible like a salmon milkshake, but at least it ended quick enough so I could watch “Everybody Loves Robert.” What’s that? Fuck you, I like Robert better, and it’s my blog, so I can write whatever the hell I want. *ahem*

In conclusion, I imagine that the world premiere of this film had Eli walking down the red carpet delivering promises of mediocrity while girls giggled about their hair and clitori (or whatever the plural for clitoris is). In the end, the world keeps spinnin’ and my life is that much worse for viewing something with the Tarrantino name on it. Have I learned my lesson? Probably not. However, I do know deep in my heart that Hostel will never ever, ever have a sequel based on how shitty it is. I have faith…

That Heather Matarazzo would never agree to be in a “Hostel” movie.

Not in Eli Roth.

Until next horrible thing,
-Sassy Frog