When you’re a video game nut job like me, you have the ability to make yourself look like a total tool box in front of attractive ladies. Fortunately, I don’t give a shit what those girls think, especially when it comes to Capcom games. You may be asking yourself this question: “What is Capcom?”Get the fuck out.
For those of you still present, Capcom is like a delicious beef sandwich in a world full of hamburgers. Mega Man is the beefy center, Street Fighter is the crispy bread, Devil May Cry is a wondrous cheese sauce, and Resident Evil is the day old pickle that should never have become a movie, let alone an entire fucking trilogy. You know, it makes me wonder why the gaming community considered this silver screen adaptation such a shining example of pixel-to-cinema power. The plot is nothing like the original game series with absolutely none of the familiar characters we had come to love. No Chris, no Jill, no Claire, no anybody! I think a general rule of thumb for video game movie creation should be- “If you present nothing from the source material, go fuck yourself.” This appears to be a fairly solid structure for script writing. Let us remember Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. Remember how well that did with no source material?
Reminder: Square/Enix
To conclude my opening remarks, I’d like to say that the original games (despite the worst voice acting ever) were pretty fantastic and caught the attention of a lot of people. The story was kinda cool, the graphics were great at the time, and the action/horror was classic. All this blended together made for a great game series that continues to this day. With that in mind, let’s get to the movie, shall we? (Why does this never get any easier?)
An opening narrative blesses us with the smallest amount of back-story I’ve ever been armed with before warring it out with the rest of a flick. Apparently everyone on earth owns umbrellas; go figure. On another note, does anyone else find it hilarious that the Umbrella back-story is brought to us in resume format? I jerk you not, this excerpt is in the opening text.
Unknown even to its own employees, its massive profits are generated by:
-Military Technology
-Genetic Experimentation
-Viral Weaponry
I can’t wait to see what the elongated special edition has to show us. Hahaha!
Umbrella is highly skilled in the following programs.
-Zombie creation
-Viruses & vaccinations
-Photoshop CS2
-Microsoft Office Suite
So, moving forward, we see a man in a white radiation suit (I’m assuming) trying to win a pink puppy from the claw game at Denny’s. His skills are so lacking that he manages to win a briefcase full of danger in place of the adorably soft keepsake. Better luck next time, rookie. Rage soon takes over and he launches a vile of perfume into the room while orally mimicking explosion sounds to amuse himself. The fiend makes a run for it while the shattered glass container spills its ‘fart smell’ into the air ventilation system. This movie totally embraces “silent but deadly.”
Throughout the building, people start to feel the effects of whoever ate Taco Bell for lunch. All optional security is compromised for the sake of plot, and people are beginning to hate Mondays even more. Before long, the building is all sealed up and begins the lengthy process of murdering everyone who works there. One by one, dick weeds fall to poisonous gasses, elevator shafts and decapitation as the AI system embedded in the security computer watches Frasier reruns. “Oh Niles, when are you and Daphne going to tie the knot?” he says while simultaneously witnessing the slaughter of innocent neir-do-wells.
Moments pass and the scene changes to a woman foolishly trying to take a bath in a shower. Someone should have told her that when you shower, you’re supposed to be standing. You’re also not supposed to be asleep. She’s doing it wrong. Slowly, the woman gets up and makes her way to the adjacent room only to find a note that simply says: “Don’t sleep in the shower. You’re doing it wrong.” Curious about the message origins, the woman tries to copy it but realizes quickly that “ctrl C” doesn’t work in real life. Curses! Foiled again!
Eventually she clothes herself in the new fall color “breast-less crimson,” before trekking the empty hallways of Professor Xavier’s X-mansion. Her situational confusion is aided by an army of birds that explode in terror when she utters “Hello.” Lesson learned: Birds hate informal greetings. Anyhow, the woman’s terror is realized when a strange man rips her from the front porch only to get his ass kicked by a unionized group of Sniffits from the Super Mario Bros movie. After a short argument about the political transition of foreign affairs and their immediate effect on the U.S.’s statues of limitations, the Sniffits unmask to make some kind of point. Actually, the Sniffit in charge turned out to be a black guy, who (ironically) just lead a sizable “breaking and entering” mission. Huh. I’m not touching that one.
At this point, we’ve learned very little other than the house we’re in has an elevator that takes you to the PERFECT fps 1-on-1 storage area. The mental image really came together when the camera showed a team of gunmen entering the room. Classic. Anyways, the power on the indoor train was cut sophisticatedly by unplugging not one, but TWO power cords. Clever. How will anyone ever decipher this mysterious technological enigma? Well, Corporal Vagina managed to figure it out in like 6 seconds, so I can only imagine the shut down was the work of Ed, Edd, and Eddy. The train takes off after the good Corporal “fixes” the “problem” and our team meets one more comrade before next stop: Another fps gold mine.
Ya know what’s weird? The fact that the Umbrella logo is all over everything in this movie. I think the production staff knew that this flick was so little like the game franchise that they needed a visual queue every 3.5 seconds to remind you what you’re watching. “Just in case you forgot, guys, this is a Resident Evil movie.” Oh! With the lack of zombies and recognizable key characters, I thought this was a Matrix movie. Thanks for the heads up, prop studio!
OK, so back to the action!
The nameless female character starts asking too many questions and must be silenced! The smallest of the team dressed in black breaks out a pair of plastic nunchaku baring the “Ninja Turtles” logo and starts whirling them about while screaming “I am Michaelangelo!” He berates the woman over and over while the rest of the team silently watches. Their facial expressions say so much while saying so little. “That’s enough, Walters.” That’s enough, indeed. So her questions are eventually answered accompanied by a 3D rendered, fully animated visual aid. (someone knows their maya) We do learn here that the movie’s geographical backdrop is in fact Raccoon City (or so the black guy says), or more precisely, about 500 feet below Raccoon City. Hmm…I wonder what Raccoon City High School’s mascot is. The main characters are subsequently briefed on bee hives and unicorns before the movie can continue to the “it’s all coming together” point.
So we’re back in the office building that you should recognize from earlier, complete with dead employees. The team takes a moment to fill in some story points before they make the drastic decision to press on. While the group move away from their momentary resting stop, we are vaguely reminded that this is supposed to be a horror movie. I had almost forgotten what with all the Umbrella logos! Personal boredom kicks in at this point and my interest in finishing this movie starts wavering while the rough and tumble protagonists schlep through some kind of server warehouse. The AI computer gets wise to their plans and tries to stop them, using lasers. Lasers? The 1980’s gave us just so much! *ahem* After the untimely death of the Star Fox team, the remaining trio of *nouns* reluctantly press forward to complete the mission that none of them originally wanted to do in the first place.
At this point, the decision has been made to go ahead and shut the “hive” down using a delicate technology called “rub a magnet over it until it erases.” This state-of-the-art process has been making blank VHS tapes since 1983. During the magnet installation process, a little red girl appears and implores reconsideration of the events in progress. There will be no imploring here, young lady. Luckily horror movie assholes are dumber than dirt and as such, death will come swift and unhappily. Next, the humans succeed in shutting down the system and with it; they open all the entrances and locked doorways. Things are lookin’ up, right? Think again, cock jockey.
The remaining soldiers who were unexplainably left behind have encountered our first “zombie” of the film, leading to an action sequence with…(wait for it)…bullets! This regrouping leads to a decision to murder the misunderstood brain eaters as they rally a draft to involuntarily gain the assistance of the dead Umbrella employees. In summary: ZOMBIES EVERYWHERE! SHOOT THEM IN THE FACE! Our heroes dig a narrow escape with rambunctious gun fire, but not before loosing one of the Star Fox team (I think it was Peppy) to a malnourished army of the undead. And I thought Zombies were supposed to be fun. Michael Jackson music videos lie to us. In fact, I’m going to write a letter to my congressman.
Dear Congressman,
Die on a train.
Love,
-Sassy Frog
I would feel incredibly guilty if I had to lie to you; so here’s the news update: The next 10 minutes of this movie are boring. A little more back story is revealed, people wander around, and the acting diminishes to the standards of the first game. Even the action sequences involving the undead dogs are largely uninteresting. Sure, the leading lady kicks a dog in the face (always good times), but all the effects were cheesy and the CG was irrationally awful. This was supposed to be one of those parts that makes you get up and cheer, or whatever you ‘David The Gnome’ enthusiasts do. Instead, the scene just passes by like the morning bus when your alarm goes off for the 9th time. Didn’t get all that? Get a job.
*side note* Umbrella 9 mm? Was that necessary? *end side note*
Like I detailed in the article above, more talking ensues, to which we’re supposed to be entertained. Struggling hard to give a fuck about the plot, I’ve been informed that the remaining team is on a time limit if they want to survive this massacre. As dictated by leading lady number 1, the “Red Queen” is reinstated as commissioner of the WWE. Her first act as commissioner is to answer the questions brought forth by the committee of people with guns, and then to give the Undertaker a shot at the title come Wrestlemania. So, with more explanation under our belts, the protagonists bargain for a way out of the hive via the assistance of the Red Queen and her internet access. After a brief stint on MySpace and a round of g-mail checking, the team heads down and out.
What happens next can be best described as a “family reunion.” Let’s just say Uncle Paul has a few too many again this year, and Cousin Linda is making out with her boyfriend on the couch. Also, Aunt Lisa’s potato salad still sucks. Thank god for my I-pod.
As we drudge on through the escape plan, we’re introduced to the plot twist that will no doubt shake generations of movie viewers. *jerks off* Apparently Spence (the founding member of team dill-hole) was responsible for the entire T-virus release when he angrily failed to obtain that pink stuffed puppy. Memories of eating greasy Denny’s food at 2:30 am traipse about colorfully in his mind while a blank stare accompanies his facial region. The truth comes pouring out and tension raises in the room. Who will be eliminated this week? Stay tuned to find out!!
You know how they say “don’t make a deal with a security computer or you’ll regret it?” Remarkably, that applies here (weird, huh?). It seems that upon his escape attempt, Spence is accidentally eaten by a giant monster (oops). The computer then threatens the remaining 3 and tries to make a deal to save their lives in return for a Toyota Camry. In the heat of the moment, the computer totally flips out and experiences a blue screen moment that shuts down the entire system (not gonna get your god-damned Camry). This may just be me, but didn’t this already happen once before in the movie? I know plot recycling happens all the time with Hollywood these days, but couldn’t they wait for like…another movie?
So the group is now on the train headed back towards the surface when something goes horribly wrong. The cookie monster is in hot pursuit of our heroes and must be stopped, no matter the cost! Really though, for a final boss fight, this was particularly lame. So like, what? She stabs the thing in its tongue before she derails it (see what I did there?) from its death plans? I don’t know about you, but I felt this was very anticlimactic. Anyways, let’s just be glad it was over quickly. Next, the monster dies and 2 of the initial team are still alive and kicking. Eventually the train lets them off at platform 4 & ¾ so they can elevator it up back to the mansion. You know, the mansion where the entire first game took place and for some reason it spends like 7 seconds on camera in this? ...Yeah, I feel it too.
In the final scene, our leading lady awakens from some science induced sleep arrangement to discover that 2 pieces of paper duct taped to your body are highly fashionable. However, she’s going to catch a chill if she doesn’t also wear a snazzy, reasonably priced lab coat. Her spelunking of the outside world continues when she realizes that the lack of people in her path is probably a fair sign that everyone is dead. Yeah, this seems like a good place to end a movie; a mostly naked nameless female carrying a shotgun through a deserted street during a reverse camera zoom. And the worst part is that you know the editor was cutting this final scene thinking to himself: “I am a genius who deserves a raise.”
Oh god, may I never have to watch all of that again. You know what? Sometimes I enjoy writing these reviews. Sometimes a movie is laughably bad to the point where making fun of it is a good time well spent on a Tuesday night. However, on the opposite end of the scale, some movies are just so bad that they’re not worth the paper they’re printed on (the simile still applies). Some movies, like this one, are just painful to watch. So painful, that I have to do the whole review in segments just to keep from being bored. After all, I get easily distracted in a home with multiple feline entities, and practically anything is more entertaining than Resident Evil. This review has taken me more than 9 hours to write because of how fucking terrible the flick was. Respect that, bitches! Anyways, yes, the movie was awful, and no, don’t ever pay to see it. Normally I’d pinch this off by adding a George Michael joke at the end, but because I’m just so agitated, that would just be pretty gay.
Gay? George Michael? Get it?
Sorry. I couldn’t resist.
Until next horrible thing,
-Sassy Frog
As a hardcore fan of music and rhythm video games, I got rather excited when I heard the initial rumors surrounding Harmonix’s new project; Guitar Hero. At that point I was a Dance Dance Revolution fanatic with years of experience in Parappa The Rapper, Bust-A-Groove, Amplitude, Frequency, Beatmania, and Pop’n Music. Hell, getting a new music game was just what I needed after backwashing DDRMAX 2 for the past half a year. However, as they say in show business: “Guitar Hero sucked.”
