Damn it all to fuck!! So I’m over my friend’s house and I’m watching his ass play Guitar Hero 2 (quite literally since his ass is at 2 O’clock maybe 4 feet from me). All of a sudden, I’m reminded of how much I hate the song list and how bad I want to sass the game across its ass. Then (like a retarded infant hurtling through the air) it hits me; I need to write the round 3 article for my journals. So, here I sit on the floor of his empty basement with my laptop perched precariously atop my crotch, teetering on the erection I obtained watching A&E’s “The Life & Times of Jodie Foster.” ...The early years, asshole. Anyways, I guess we need to check some facts, some opinions, and my opinions, which basically are facts. All erection jokes aside (for now), let’s get started, shall we?
Round 3: Bracket 1: Bruce Campbell VS Alan Rickman
At this point we’re far enough through the tournament that we shouldn’t have had the first section come down to 2 actors, but in the end this little fact will make for an easier decision. All we have to do is break down the coolness of all the movies they’ve ever done and do a ven diagram (yes, the one that looks like a Mastercard) displaying the appropriate information. Now, something cool I want to point out is that Rickman played the Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Most of you may say “so what,” but if you ever watch the damn thing you’ll notice how awesome a tyrant he makes! Since G.W. Bush is doing such an awful job of being our tyrannical dictator, I nominate Alan Rickman to replace him in ’08. Who’s with me? But wait! Before we go giving the rewards over to Alan so quickly, let us review some Bruce facts! First off, he was in one of my favorite movies of all time; Disney’s “Sky High” as a former superhero turned high school gym coach. Sure, he’s not in the movie much, but he delivers a splendid performance as a believable asshole gym teacher who makes you do things you don’t like. Remember when our gym teachers made us do stuff like climb the rope, play dodge ball or touch their penis when everyone else left the locker room? No? Well, me neither. Now, may I have a moment of “war-vet silence” while I decide the winner? Between these two magnificent spectacles, I nominate Bruce Campbell for the win. Why? 1) Because I said so. 2) Because Bruce is not only cool ON the screen, but he’s also cool ON your lawn talking to your neighbor with the weird rash. I keep hearing how nice he is to people at conventions and sub shops. That is always a bonus on the “cool-O-meter.” Sorry Alan, but don’t be a whiner baby. L
Round 3: Bracket 2: Jon Stewart VS Steven Spielberg
Holy shit, this would be an awesome fist fight to watch on YouTube! I would pay so much Monopoly money to watch this fight! Now you might not think that’s much, but if you assume that your basic monopoly set costs roughly 30 dollars, that means I’d probably wind up spending about…add ‘em together…carry the 2…30 dollars. Anywho, since no fists will be flying in this bout, let’s grade our contestants on their inherited “awesomocity.” First we have Mr. Jon Stewart, the host of the Daily Show on Comedy Central. This is the kind of man I wish was my dad. I want to wake up every morning to his rhythmic pounding on my door, yelling “You better not be masturbating in there! And if you are, don’t get any on the walls! It lowers the property value!” I would then get out of bed with a smile on my face, thinking; Oh, dad! Then at the breakfast table he’d ruffle my hair and say “How’s about we toss the pigskin around the yard today, sport?” Oh, father! He’d secretly know I hate football, but his wily charms are enough to convince me to pretend I’m Ray Lewis for an hour. *sigh* If only Jon Stewart was my dad. However, we shouldn’t disclude the greatness of Steven Spielberg. If memory serves me correctly, he makes movies, and pretty good ones to boot! I think he was behind the Peter Pan sequel “Hook” back in the early nineties starring Robin Williams. Don’t try to argue with me on his one, shackle cats; Hook was fuckin’ awesome! If it weren’t for this flick, I wouldn’t have quit my job at Starbucks by kicking over the tip jar onto a toddler and yelling “BANGARANG!!” I vaguely remember being arrested that day, but that only adds to all the ways Steven has affected my life with his projects. Thank you, Steven! Next is the almighty drum roll where I tally up the votes to see who our winner (and hopefully my dad) is going to be! *long pause* After a few minutes, I’ve come to the conclusion that the winner (and it was damn close) is Jon Stewart- the leader of our political youth! Yes, I understand that Steven has made about 50% of the best movies ever, but movies are only movies, and our future is still ahead for the planning. I think Jon can make a difference; especially if he’s my dad.
Alright guys! That’s gonna wrap up our semi-final round 3 and set us up for the finals which will take place this weekend. Hopefully I’ll remember to write it before last minute which appeared to be my mistake today. Lucky I had my lap top with me, or you shackle cats may have had to wait a whole ‘nother day before learning some useless information. As usual, I’m signing out, and you guys have a good day, but don’t do it near me.
Also, stop fuckin’ e-mailing me some bullshit questions!! I'm not answering them!!
-Sassy Frog
Round 3: Bracket 1: Bruce Campbell VS Alan Rickman
At this point we’re far enough through the tournament that we shouldn’t have had the first section come down to 2 actors, but in the end this little fact will make for an easier decision. All we have to do is break down the coolness of all the movies they’ve ever done and do a ven diagram (yes, the one that looks like a Mastercard) displaying the appropriate information. Now, something cool I want to point out is that Rickman played the Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Most of you may say “so what,” but if you ever watch the damn thing you’ll notice how awesome a tyrant he makes! Since G.W. Bush is doing such an awful job of being our tyrannical dictator, I nominate Alan Rickman to replace him in ’08. Who’s with me? But wait! Before we go giving the rewards over to Alan so quickly, let us review some Bruce facts! First off, he was in one of my favorite movies of all time; Disney’s “Sky High” as a former superhero turned high school gym coach. Sure, he’s not in the movie much, but he delivers a splendid performance as a believable asshole gym teacher who makes you do things you don’t like. Remember when our gym teachers made us do stuff like climb the rope, play dodge ball or touch their penis when everyone else left the locker room? No? Well, me neither. Now, may I have a moment of “war-vet silence” while I decide the winner? Between these two magnificent spectacles, I nominate Bruce Campbell for the win. Why? 1) Because I said so. 2) Because Bruce is not only cool ON the screen, but he’s also cool ON your lawn talking to your neighbor with the weird rash. I keep hearing how nice he is to people at conventions and sub shops. That is always a bonus on the “cool-O-meter.” Sorry Alan, but don’t be a whiner baby. L
Round 3: Bracket 2: Jon Stewart VS Steven Spielberg
Holy shit, this would be an awesome fist fight to watch on YouTube! I would pay so much Monopoly money to watch this fight! Now you might not think that’s much, but if you assume that your basic monopoly set costs roughly 30 dollars, that means I’d probably wind up spending about…add ‘em together…carry the 2…30 dollars. Anywho, since no fists will be flying in this bout, let’s grade our contestants on their inherited “awesomocity.” First we have Mr. Jon Stewart, the host of the Daily Show on Comedy Central. This is the kind of man I wish was my dad. I want to wake up every morning to his rhythmic pounding on my door, yelling “You better not be masturbating in there! And if you are, don’t get any on the walls! It lowers the property value!” I would then get out of bed with a smile on my face, thinking; Oh, dad! Then at the breakfast table he’d ruffle my hair and say “How’s about we toss the pigskin around the yard today, sport?” Oh, father! He’d secretly know I hate football, but his wily charms are enough to convince me to pretend I’m Ray Lewis for an hour. *sigh* If only Jon Stewart was my dad. However, we shouldn’t disclude the greatness of Steven Spielberg. If memory serves me correctly, he makes movies, and pretty good ones to boot! I think he was behind the Peter Pan sequel “Hook” back in the early nineties starring Robin Williams. Don’t try to argue with me on his one, shackle cats; Hook was fuckin’ awesome! If it weren’t for this flick, I wouldn’t have quit my job at Starbucks by kicking over the tip jar onto a toddler and yelling “BANGARANG!!” I vaguely remember being arrested that day, but that only adds to all the ways Steven has affected my life with his projects. Thank you, Steven! Next is the almighty drum roll where I tally up the votes to see who our winner (and hopefully my dad) is going to be! *long pause* After a few minutes, I’ve come to the conclusion that the winner (and it was damn close) is Jon Stewart- the leader of our political youth! Yes, I understand that Steven has made about 50% of the best movies ever, but movies are only movies, and our future is still ahead for the planning. I think Jon can make a difference; especially if he’s my dad.
Alright guys! That’s gonna wrap up our semi-final round 3 and set us up for the finals which will take place this weekend. Hopefully I’ll remember to write it before last minute which appeared to be my mistake today. Lucky I had my lap top with me, or you shackle cats may have had to wait a whole ‘nother day before learning some useless information. As usual, I’m signing out, and you guys have a good day, but don’t do it near me.
Also, stop fuckin’ e-mailing me some bullshit questions!! I'm not answering them!!
-Sassy Frog
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