Everyone I know loves a good fight; especially if it’s between some ass wrangler and a heroic icon of mega-toast proportions. Unfortunately, I won’t be participating as a contestant in this ultra-battle, (maybe next time) but I will be happy to commentate through the details of this finely organized competition. For your information (and mine), this tournament is a bracketed single-elimination style battle to the finish! I’ll be comparing the contestants’ “cool” factor in a perfectly unbiased match up and will determine the winner through a clever amount of “he said, she said” banter. Basically, if a contestant sucks ass you can bet they’re gonna lose. With all of this explained and behind us, let’s start the tournament with round 1!!
Seemed like a good place to begin.
Round 1: Bracket 1: Bruce Campbell VS Rob Zombie
To start this shindig off right, we get a legendary B-movie mega star that brought back the fashion statement “chainsaw for a hand,” to heat up a former death metal icon whose attentions have inexplicably turned to the cinema realm. If you browse over the basics, Bruce stands tall with a famed performance as Ash Williams from the Evil Dead movies. On the other hand, Rob was the front man for the famed rock group “White Zombie” and pumped our ears with as much loud as possible throughout the 90’s. So, which man is the better legend on the “cool-o-meter?” Who the hell do you think?! It’s Bruce Campbell, baby! Yeah! Rob may have a couple bad cult movies under his belt, but Bruce has way more! Good luck in the next round, Bruce!
Round 1: Bracket 2: Quentin Tarantino VS Mike Rowe
The next round entertains us with a villainous cult movie icon that’ll have to stand up to the greatest and dirtiest every-man hero. Quentin has guest directed more than anyone else in Hollywood, and carries a few silver screen fillers to his name; including “Pulp Fiction” and “Jackie Brown.” Mike, however, was a Baltimore Opera professional tenor and the narrator for the Discovery channel hit, “Deadliest Catch.” In a hand-to-hand melee of “bad-ass-ness,” dueling with only their coolness factor at arms, the winner can only (and undeniably) be Mike Rowe. Sure, Quentin Tarantino has a plethora of fans and the facial features of a rodent, but he just got knocked-the-fuck-out by a man whose voice is so sexy that it might even have the power to turn men gay. Rock on, Mike Rowe!
Round 1: Bracket 3: Eli Roth VS Chris Watters
For round 3, we have a movie director whose credits include the 2 Hostels and the horror hit “Cabin Fever.” This director will take on the hilarious finalist from “Who Wants To Be A Superhero?”- Major Victory! Eli’s love for mixing horror and porno has put him in a class most different than other directors. He’s credited as starting the “torture porn” genre, but unfortunately, he’s got to use all those points against a man who walked the length of a backyard with 2 highly trained attack dogs hanging from either arm. And after all that, his hair still looked good! After much deliberation and an inspirational stare-down contest, I find that we’ll award the victory to, of course, Major Victory! What hurt Eli here is the lovability factor. Only teenagers and young adults can find entertainment in his products, but Major Victory captured the hearts of all ages, including the elementary school kids in episode 5! Remember, Eli; be a winner, not a wiener.
Round 1: Bracket 4: Alan Rickman VS Tom Cruise
Here’s a top notch Hollywood actor showdown! In one corner, we have Alan Rickman, a legendary British actor who’s famous for playing Professor Severus Snape in the Harry Potter movies, and the other corner wields Tom Cruise who stole our hearts in Top Gun, and then tried to kill Oprah. When comparing these 2 entertainers, I can’t help but remember how cool and intimidating Hans Gruber was when facing off against John McClane. However, I would also find it impossible to forget Risky Business, back when Tom could still act! Woohoo...this is a tough one, but because I can’t give the award to a dumb-ass, I’m afraid that Alan Rickman takes the taco! Congrats, Alan! By Grabthor’s hammer, you shall move forward!
Round 1: Bracket 5: Lucas Grabeel VS Cal Ripken Jr
Baltimore Orioles fans would recognize Cal’s name if you stuffed your mouth with marbles and tried to sing it with Nirvana. He’s legendary in these here parts, so in order to take him down, I’ve paired him up against one of the sensational teen stars of the Disney movie, High School Musical; Lucas Grabeel. Lucas plays Ryan Evans, the talented fraternal sister of the movie’s antagonist, Sharpay. Cal hits hard with the bat and carried a legendary score of 2,632 straight games played with no sick days. What a guy, but what an asshole. Cal has since become old and now advertises with Comcast in Maryland. He has no hair and is currently overweight. No one likes him anymore. However, Lucas is gonna “bop to the top” with the smash series of HSM movies, and his armada of pre-teen female fans. Now I’m gonna let the cool-o-meter decide which legend is going to move on; the legend on his way out, or the legend on his way in? Welp, no one wants a ball-scratcher to win, so Lucas, congratulations! Cal, don’t get mad because you 2 come from different genres. Afterall; Baseball, dancing; same game.
Round 1: Bracket 6: George W. Bush VS Jon Stewart
When I think of a bad-ass Jew who I wish was my friend more than anyone else, I definitely think of Jon Stewart. On the other hand, when I think of a guy who needs to be fired more than anyone else, I definitely think of George Bush. This isn’t really a battle of wits or a battle of coolness or even a battle of the bulge. This is more like Rocky Balboa VS that guy from college who asked you for free weed once. So, with this metaphor in mind, Jon Stewart kicks the dumbest man alive in the jewels and screams “You’re hurting America!!” If you bet against Jon Stewart in this fight, then collect what’s left of your hard earned dollars and go “all or nothing” against the Harlem Globetrotters. Good luck in the next round, Jon! And now, your moment of Zen.
Round 1: Bracket 7: Steven Spielberg VS Uwe Boll
Even though Uwe is an angry machine of blunt force fisticuffs, he’ll be in a sticky spot with his rectum on the unpleasant end of Steven’s foot. You see, Uwe is famous for not letting critics have opinions, and he childishly challenges the name-sayers in a battle of the knuckley perportion. Although he can punch internet folk in the face, it still doesn’t make up for his lack of directing skill. In fact, the only thing he can direct is “direct to dvd.” Steven, on the other hand, is the man that dreams are made of, and if you watch pretty much any movie he’s ever made, it shows. In this battle, I’ll use “Jaws” as an example of his creativity and memorable composition styles. So, in other words; Jaws VS House of the Dead…and the winner? Steven Spielberg by a nose…a big Jew nose. Congratulations! Sorry Uwe, I guess you’ll need a bigger boat.
Round 1: Bracket 8: Jason Statham VS Bill Nye
Here is an excellent example battle of brains versus brawn. World famous scientist and children’s TV show personality Bill Nye (the science guy) stands toe-to-toe with a pop culture action star who can’t act his way out of a paper bag. He also can’t act his way out of a speeding car chase followed by a massive explosion. Not very versatile if you ask me, but if Bill Nye taught me anything, it’s the mass displacement of a moving object headed at maximum velocity; pulled by gravity. In summary, if Bill Nye kicked Jason Statham off the top of a 45 story building, science will take over. Science has also declared Bill the winner of this match by default of coolness dictated by 8 gallons of Fun Dip. After all, there’s nothing cooler than being smart, and there’s nothing dumber than being in the Italian Job. Science rules!
That’s the end of Round 1, you silly shackle-cats. But you’re going to have to check back in a few days for the tournament finale due to the fact that I haven’t typed up the final couple rounds yet! I seriously have no idea what the hell is gonna happen in the end, so I guess we’ll both have to stay tuned to find out! See you in a few days.
-Sassy Frog
Seemed like a good place to begin.
Round 1: Bracket 1: Bruce Campbell VS Rob Zombie
To start this shindig off right, we get a legendary B-movie mega star that brought back the fashion statement “chainsaw for a hand,” to heat up a former death metal icon whose attentions have inexplicably turned to the cinema realm. If you browse over the basics, Bruce stands tall with a famed performance as Ash Williams from the Evil Dead movies. On the other hand, Rob was the front man for the famed rock group “White Zombie” and pumped our ears with as much loud as possible throughout the 90’s. So, which man is the better legend on the “cool-o-meter?” Who the hell do you think?! It’s Bruce Campbell, baby! Yeah! Rob may have a couple bad cult movies under his belt, but Bruce has way more! Good luck in the next round, Bruce!
Round 1: Bracket 2: Quentin Tarantino VS Mike Rowe
The next round entertains us with a villainous cult movie icon that’ll have to stand up to the greatest and dirtiest every-man hero. Quentin has guest directed more than anyone else in Hollywood, and carries a few silver screen fillers to his name; including “Pulp Fiction” and “Jackie Brown.” Mike, however, was a Baltimore Opera professional tenor and the narrator for the Discovery channel hit, “Deadliest Catch.” In a hand-to-hand melee of “bad-ass-ness,” dueling with only their coolness factor at arms, the winner can only (and undeniably) be Mike Rowe. Sure, Quentin Tarantino has a plethora of fans and the facial features of a rodent, but he just got knocked-the-fuck-out by a man whose voice is so sexy that it might even have the power to turn men gay. Rock on, Mike Rowe!
Round 1: Bracket 3: Eli Roth VS Chris Watters
For round 3, we have a movie director whose credits include the 2 Hostels and the horror hit “Cabin Fever.” This director will take on the hilarious finalist from “Who Wants To Be A Superhero?”- Major Victory! Eli’s love for mixing horror and porno has put him in a class most different than other directors. He’s credited as starting the “torture porn” genre, but unfortunately, he’s got to use all those points against a man who walked the length of a backyard with 2 highly trained attack dogs hanging from either arm. And after all that, his hair still looked good! After much deliberation and an inspirational stare-down contest, I find that we’ll award the victory to, of course, Major Victory! What hurt Eli here is the lovability factor. Only teenagers and young adults can find entertainment in his products, but Major Victory captured the hearts of all ages, including the elementary school kids in episode 5! Remember, Eli; be a winner, not a wiener.
Round 1: Bracket 4: Alan Rickman VS Tom Cruise
Here’s a top notch Hollywood actor showdown! In one corner, we have Alan Rickman, a legendary British actor who’s famous for playing Professor Severus Snape in the Harry Potter movies, and the other corner wields Tom Cruise who stole our hearts in Top Gun, and then tried to kill Oprah. When comparing these 2 entertainers, I can’t help but remember how cool and intimidating Hans Gruber was when facing off against John McClane. However, I would also find it impossible to forget Risky Business, back when Tom could still act! Woohoo...this is a tough one, but because I can’t give the award to a dumb-ass, I’m afraid that Alan Rickman takes the taco! Congrats, Alan! By Grabthor’s hammer, you shall move forward!
Round 1: Bracket 5: Lucas Grabeel VS Cal Ripken Jr
Baltimore Orioles fans would recognize Cal’s name if you stuffed your mouth with marbles and tried to sing it with Nirvana. He’s legendary in these here parts, so in order to take him down, I’ve paired him up against one of the sensational teen stars of the Disney movie, High School Musical; Lucas Grabeel. Lucas plays Ryan Evans, the talented fraternal sister of the movie’s antagonist, Sharpay. Cal hits hard with the bat and carried a legendary score of 2,632 straight games played with no sick days. What a guy, but what an asshole. Cal has since become old and now advertises with Comcast in Maryland. He has no hair and is currently overweight. No one likes him anymore. However, Lucas is gonna “bop to the top” with the smash series of HSM movies, and his armada of pre-teen female fans. Now I’m gonna let the cool-o-meter decide which legend is going to move on; the legend on his way out, or the legend on his way in? Welp, no one wants a ball-scratcher to win, so Lucas, congratulations! Cal, don’t get mad because you 2 come from different genres. Afterall; Baseball, dancing; same game.
Round 1: Bracket 6: George W. Bush VS Jon Stewart
When I think of a bad-ass Jew who I wish was my friend more than anyone else, I definitely think of Jon Stewart. On the other hand, when I think of a guy who needs to be fired more than anyone else, I definitely think of George Bush. This isn’t really a battle of wits or a battle of coolness or even a battle of the bulge. This is more like Rocky Balboa VS that guy from college who asked you for free weed once. So, with this metaphor in mind, Jon Stewart kicks the dumbest man alive in the jewels and screams “You’re hurting America!!” If you bet against Jon Stewart in this fight, then collect what’s left of your hard earned dollars and go “all or nothing” against the Harlem Globetrotters. Good luck in the next round, Jon! And now, your moment of Zen.
Round 1: Bracket 7: Steven Spielberg VS Uwe Boll
Even though Uwe is an angry machine of blunt force fisticuffs, he’ll be in a sticky spot with his rectum on the unpleasant end of Steven’s foot. You see, Uwe is famous for not letting critics have opinions, and he childishly challenges the name-sayers in a battle of the knuckley perportion. Although he can punch internet folk in the face, it still doesn’t make up for his lack of directing skill. In fact, the only thing he can direct is “direct to dvd.” Steven, on the other hand, is the man that dreams are made of, and if you watch pretty much any movie he’s ever made, it shows. In this battle, I’ll use “Jaws” as an example of his creativity and memorable composition styles. So, in other words; Jaws VS House of the Dead…and the winner? Steven Spielberg by a nose…a big Jew nose. Congratulations! Sorry Uwe, I guess you’ll need a bigger boat.
Round 1: Bracket 8: Jason Statham VS Bill Nye
Here is an excellent example battle of brains versus brawn. World famous scientist and children’s TV show personality Bill Nye (the science guy) stands toe-to-toe with a pop culture action star who can’t act his way out of a paper bag. He also can’t act his way out of a speeding car chase followed by a massive explosion. Not very versatile if you ask me, but if Bill Nye taught me anything, it’s the mass displacement of a moving object headed at maximum velocity; pulled by gravity. In summary, if Bill Nye kicked Jason Statham off the top of a 45 story building, science will take over. Science has also declared Bill the winner of this match by default of coolness dictated by 8 gallons of Fun Dip. After all, there’s nothing cooler than being smart, and there’s nothing dumber than being in the Italian Job. Science rules!
That’s the end of Round 1, you silly shackle-cats. But you’re going to have to check back in a few days for the tournament finale due to the fact that I haven’t typed up the final couple rounds yet! I seriously have no idea what the hell is gonna happen in the end, so I guess we’ll both have to stay tuned to find out! See you in a few days.
-Sassy Frog
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