Very rarely do I have the pleasure of viewing a horror/thriller movie that doesn’t make me want to punch Hollywood in the vas deferens. These days, “jump movies” (as I call them) have such a small quantity of plot that you feel decidedly empty after prying your ass out of the theatre seating. It’s like getting a sandwich from Subway; where the plot is the meat, the acting is the toppings and the bread is the gore. So, much like eating at Subway, you walk away with not enough filling and too much bread. Fuck you Subway, and fuck you Rob Zombie for this cinematic insult known as “The House of 1,000 Corpses.”Apparently it's Lions gate Films we give the credit for forcing this homeless piece of shit into my eye sockets. After an 11th grader flash animation of the L.G. logo, we witness some unentertaining parody of all night horror movie marathons, hosted by Dr. Cottonsplash. We are quickly informed that Cottonsplash has a PhD in not shutting the hell up before the audience is magically whisked away to Sid “HaHaMyCareerIsDead” Haig. Apparently he’s a clown. Good for him.
Next, we get a glimpse of a small town gas station, but beware...there seems to be shenanigans a foot. Shenanigans that end in murder. Angela Lansbury wasn’t available to solve the mystery, so we’re forced to endure more of the "best acting this side of Shattner." And yes, I know making fun of Shattner’s acting is as trite as this film, but I’m sticking to a theme here, people.
Soon we’re confronted by that guy from "The Office" driving a car. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but no, Steve Carrell is not in this movie. As it turns out, because of typical horror movie characters being dumb as shit, Office guy and his friends (2 girls, a guy, and a pizza place) stop at a familiar gas station to ride a carousel of murder or something. Also, this scene is home to the most awkward small talk/banter I’ve ever witnessed in any movie in history. “Blah, blah, I love the Duke. Blah, blah space boy, bang. Blah, blah redneck pickle anus.”
After riding the Scooby Doo mystery attraction at King’s Dominion, Ace, Gary and the Scissor Sisters part ways with Sid Haig only to head towards certain doom. This is also a good time to mention that Rob Zombie exudes creativity by inserting random snippets of missing posters whenever there’s a free editing space in Final Cut Pro. With that being said, its also worth noting that Mr. Zombie is the master of color filters. Every time he gets a chance, he is the high dictator of color filters, I promise you. This scene could use a little more green. ...and DONE!
Oh, Otis, you silly fucker.
NEXT, the gang of courageous teenagers have to shack up with a family of Decepticons in order to stay warm during the reparation of their car. But as it turns out, the Decepticons are up to no good, and our heroes are now in danger. 4 family members, 3 camera angels, 2 split screens and a partridge in a pear tree later, we’re treated to a floor show that makes me lovingly long for Rocky Horror. This (in an interesting turn of events) makes me wonder how awesome a fight between Richard O’Brien and Rob Zombie would be. Well...pre Shock Treatment O’Brien at least. I bet Zombie gets kicked in the nuts. Twice.
After the floor show is interrupted by a bitch fight, the teens are kicked from the home with a declaration of a fixed vehicle. However, when the gang attempts to escape in the repaired car, Big Fish’s Carl dances all over the hood. Fuck, this movie sucks a boner. Anyways, the kids are knocked unconscious by the realization they aren’t getting paid enough to be in this pile of crap, only to awaken in the vicinity of Otis B. Driftwood.
In case you’re unfamiliar with Bill Moseley, the actor behind Otis, he’s also the star of the box office smash “The Evil Bong.” Not to be confused with "The Evil Dead”, as Bruce Campbell wouldn’t even spit in the direction of that horrific moving picture backwash. Actually, there’s another good in-ring match up! Bruce Campbell versus Bill Moseley. I’ll give you two guesses as to whom the victory and spoils would go.
I’ll give you credit. You probably got that one right.
*side note* So, as it turns out, black guys yelling at cameras are fuckin’ hilarious. Especially when they look homeless. *end side note*
At this point in our dynamic plot, the kids have been tortured, murdered, laughed at and called stupid names. Also, they’ve been locked up for a couple days now I guess, and so, with the children gone missing, the police have been called in to investigate. Here is where we also learn that Rob Zombie is a genius on yet another level altogether. While the police, who are investigating the Decepticons, are getting murdered, Rob ingeniously plays a song which appears to be totally inappropriate for the situation! *gasp* So you can teach old dogs new tricks! Now if only we could see some slow moti….
Oh, there it is.
Any who, after what seems to be a DVD error, the final cop gets shot and the film moves on. Personally, I was kind of enjoying the silence and lack of “acting” featured in this 10 minute segment, but I guess all good things must come to an end. At least until nostalgia of the era kicks in and Hollywood makes another sequel or two.
Well now, let’s see. The remaining teens are subjected to a Halloween ritual where the Decepticons, ripe with energon, are attempting to finish them off. I think this is the part where the childish and ADD ridden female (Baby) yells about a rabbit hutch and stabs the second to last female to death in a field of darkness. Ya know, I have no idea what the fuck that daffy broad is laughing about, but someone needs to teach her not to howl at her own jokes. It’s doesn’t make them funnier when you do it, and ultimately it removes a lot of your street cred. At least I have a good gift idea for you whenever Christmas rolls around this year.
Sassy: “Here ya go, Baby. Enjoy.”
Baby: “Teeheehee. What’s this? A piece of paper? Teehee.”
Sassy: “Sorta.”
Baby: “Huh? A free pass to Steven Wright’s school of comedy?”
This is the part where I sever her clit with a Hulk Hogan action figure and yell about a rabbit hutch. It’s a touching moment. Oscar worthy material for sure.
So now there’s a coffin, a cave, and a last chance at survival, which (Lt. Ripley’s believe it or not) is blown by the character’s shier idiot factor. The movie goes from being kind of believable (minus the fucking color filters, Zombie, you clinical retard) to being down right silly right about here. Skeleton lined cavern walkways fill the final underground scenes before the living female accidentally walks into Mortal Kombat 2. Unfortunately, she pisses off Baraka and a chase ensues, resulting in a fatality.
Toasty.
The girl basically lives long enough to be caught by the devilish Decepticons and their leader, Sid Haig. Although Sid’s car is pretty sweet, it doesn’t save this movie from not having a plot. Sure Rob, you can have death in a movie, and you can even do it tastefully, but death by itself is no substitute for a story. And, for the record, don’t cross check that information with Quentin Tarantino or Eli Roth, as the results may prove disastrous. Thankfully, “The End” appears on the screen and my life can resume being Rob Zombie free.
In summary, I feel that this movie sucked a baby cheetah’s rectum. Also, I didn’t like it very much. It’s my personal opinion that when an individual pays money to see a movie, you shouldn’t make it shockingly awful. Obviously, Mr. Zombie, you feel differently than I about the precedings, however, you are wrong. Hey now. Buck up there, little slugger. I’m sure your next movie will be way less stupid and demeaning to my intelligence. I have faith.
The George Michael single.
Not in you.
Until the next horrible thing,
Sassy Frog
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