Movie Review - Transformers: The Movie

A long time ago in the 1980’s, entertainment was way more interesting than it is now. Television shows made absolutely no sense, music was electronically zany, and movies were all about action, teenagers, sex, and more teenagers. That decade was so cool in fact, that VH1 single handedly bought the rights to the 1980’s in hopes of boosting channel ratings. Luckily it worked and subsequently, Corey Feldman has a job again.

Go Corey!

One of the things the decade produced was an action figure franchise called “The Transformers.” The toy line featured humanoid robots that (when provoked by a barking dog) would transform into some type of earth-based vehicle that would, in theory hide their alien identity from the masses. Much like any toy line you’ve seen in your life time, the characters in the franchise were broken up into two groups; the evil Decepticons, and the heroic Dallas Cowboys. Before long, the bigwig executives behind the toys decided that the best way to promote their product was via a Saturday morning cartoon show. What bothered me most about this plan of action was that the 30 minute animated program was one giant ass commercial, broken up into 7 minute mini-ass commercial segments by smaller, more obnoxious commercials. So, in summary, it was a commercial broken into smaller commercials by the addition of yet more commercials.

OK…the 1980’s just wanted you to buy shit.

Eventually, the popularity of the cartoon led to a full-length animated movie. So, what could go wrong with a cool toy/cartoon franchise turned big screen flick? I’ll tell you what. I’ll tell you what, good and hard.

The “movie” opens up with a clichéd panning of the universe, eventually focusing on a planet filled with beings that are not the Transformers. Here is the first of many times you will be let down throughout this piece of trash, however, the movie slugs along. After a few moments of the audience getting a good panoramic view of the civilization on planet “beakers ‘n stuff,” we find out that evil is a foot. Actually, evil isn’t so much a foot at this point as it is a death star with a glowing halo. Apparently Vader decided to add a kung-fu grip to the death star that allows for the consumption of planets and their asshole natives. Within seconds, the meal is over and the dreaded empire heads off to planet “bed, bath & beyond” for dessert. With this confusing series of events over, we get the best part of the movie on screen for all one minute of its existence; The theme song (as covered by Lion) and the Transformers logo coming at us in true 1992 Windows screen saver fashion. Then we get to see some credits before being magically whisked away to the Transformers home planet of Cybersex.

Actually, to put it accurately, we just sort of pass by Cybersex on the way to one of the moon bases currently inhabited by the Dallas Cowboys. It’s explained to us by Quarterback Optimus Prime that the Cowboys plan to invade Cybersex and retake their rightful place instead of the Decepticons. Apparently they fought about leaving the seat up or something a long time ago and now (in sitcom hilarity) they’ve painted a big white line down the center of the apartment. “That is your side, and this one’s mine.” The story moves on to inform us that all the Cowboys live on different moons but are still friends and use myspace to keep in touch. Also, Jazz says “shenanigans.” Haha! Awesome. So now the plans are in motion and the Cowboys have everything under control. Or do they?

It turns out the Decepticons had something all along that gave them the upper hand in this battle; a mix tape that is also a pterodactyl. Brilliant! With future technology, pterodactyls can record sound and play it back at high quality using only a 1982 am/fm tape player that Rick Morranis once owned. I love the future. Well, to make this short, the Decepticons have the information and use it to attack our heroes while they’re driving to their aunt’s place in Utah. By the way, this is the scene where all of the bad things about this movie start to coagulate and form an oozy mess of a movie theme. During the raid on the Cowboy’s ship, the background music (to fit the mood) should have been some orchestration of sadness or anger to help show the gravity of such a horrible scene. However, the movie makers decided it best to just go ahead and play some 1980’s up-beat hair metal while we watch our childhood heroes get murdered. WHAT THE FUCK!? I guess it would have been ok to kill off a character or two to get a heavy point across, but the problem is A) there is no point. B) the music was not befitting of the desired mood. And C) is for cookie, and cookie is for me. Seriously, this scene signals the beginning of the end for the rest of this crap nap. I mean, they fuckin’ killed Prowl, Ratchet and Iron Hide; 3 of the most important god damned characters! Fuck, let’s move on. Maybe I’ll forget this happened.

Now, in a shocking turn of events, we get to see a child fishing with Hot Rod; one of the heroic Dallas Cowboys. However, little boy blue is currently depressed because he misses his dad, who’s out playing poker with some of the Cowboys on their side of the apartment. Now, I don’t know about you, but if I was friends with the Transformers and were hanging out and fishing and shit, there is no fuckin’ way I’d be depressed. My dad could get hit by a god damned meteor and I’d be like “Oh well, Hot Rod! Let’s roll-the-fuck-out!” Seriously! Who the hell could sit next to Hot Rod and cry tears of “woah is me?” Child, you need to shut the fuck up. Sorry…so, anyways, our shuttle arrives and the kid decides he wants to meet up with the damn thing when it lands. He fires up his skate board and…what the FUCK is this kid’s problem?!!? Again, he’s next to a Transformer!!! Sweet fucking Christ, you prepubescent asshole! Ask your friend to turn into a car and then GET THE FUCK INSIDE! A fuckin’ skate board?! Oh my god!!

FUCK!

OK, so Hot Rod has a better idea of what should happen and goes to collect the child from a dangerous mishap. The two then piss of uncle Kup (another robot/car thing) before they tragically learn that the Decepticons are piloting the vessel that once carried their friends and family. After a brief bout with 80’s lasers, Hot Rod hits the fuel tank causing both the ship to explode, and the evacuation of the Decepticons from said vessel. A fight obviously breaks out when the 2 factions collide during yet another performance of 1980’s pop-metal. To break this down for you, what ensues now is a large scale war that’s apparently been boiling for years. I could go on and on about bullshit regarding its happenings, but all you need to know is that we get more up-beat 80’s music and the death of Optimus Prime. Yes, we do in fact watch the ultimate hero die and become a hollow lifeless shell of his former self. Transformer movie; You’ve got the touch. You’ve got the power. You’ve also got no idea how to write a screenplay for a children’s movie. You’ll never work in this town again!!

So, moving forward, the Cowboys are obviously distraught over their leader’s death (as are all the kids in theatre) but they must pick up the pieces if they want to get to the end of this movie. And, trust me, they do. The Decepticons retreat after everything is said and done, licking their wounds and watching Rocky sequels. The scene changes to the Decepticons kicking their wounded off the ship on their return home. Apparently there’s too much weight on board and to successfully make it back to Cybersex, they need to drop the fatties. Along with the wounded goes Megatron, the Decepticonian leader who was in charge of the forces invading the Dallas territory. He has been dumped into space to spiral endlessly into the black abyss like the alien and the end of “Alien.” That’ll teach ‘em. You’d think his days are over (twirling through space and all), but the death star eventually finds him and Vader convinces his mom to let him keep ‘em. Darth then proceeds to dress Megatron in a new outfit and arm him with Mr. Spock’s vocal chords in an attempt to prove Star Wars is better than Star Trek. The effort is wasted.

Next we find that the good Dr. Starscream (some asshole from Jersey) is being crowned the king of all hamburgers in the wake of Megatron’s death. But before Mr. Scream can produce any delicious fast food products, the new and improved Megatron (renamed Calsitron) shows up and starts picking fights. Much like the rest of society, Calsitron doesn’t like the new burger king and makes the managerial decision to “let him go.” Out of work and lacking self confidence, Starscream studies to pass the bar in Colorado, thus leaving villainy forever.

Sorta.

Next, the Cowboy moons are being eaten by the death star in Vader’s attempt to bully the universe. More Transformers die and Spike says “shit.” Then the scene changes to earth as the Cowboys rally the troops in fear of the almighty Calsitron. An attack by the Decepticons ensues, leaving the Cowboys no choice but to flee Dallas in hopes of saving their alien race of linebackers from being considered “G-1” only. After the escape, uncle Kup starts telling Viet Nam war stories to a group of dinosaurs resulting in the worst dialogue ever written in an animated movie. Before long, the Decepticons catch up and more evasion techniques are required to keep the last like…7 Cowboys alive. The next plan of action seems to be the destination planet labeled “Trash day.” This movie tries to cover some version of the future the writers had in mind, but no where through the flick do they mention that the blacks have seized control of the music industry. They also didn’t think recycling would be very popular since they have an entire fuckin’ planet based around the lack of concept. Also, who the fuck builds robotic squids and seaweed?

In a change of scene, the remaining Cowboys (minus uncle Kup and Hot Rod) have landed on Trash Day, and in the wake of the crash, give the stupid ass child a big expensive toy to break. I can’t possibly see what’s wrong with this plan. *rolls eyes* Well, problems aside, the troop trek on only to find that the planet is inhabited by more Transformers. I mean, I guess that’s OK news, but anything that’s alien, made of trash, talks like a commercial, and sounds like Eric Idle can’t be good. These are the same reasons I don’t like Eric Idle.

Also, fuck Eric Idle.

The movie really starts to flip back and forth between Hot Rod and the others a lot so just try to stick with me while I sort out the mess. Anyways, Hot Rod and uncle Kup are captured by some alien race of shackle-cats while trying to befriend them. Even the universal greeting “Klatu Virada Nictu” didn’t seem to go over well. Ehh, what do you expect when you quote Bruce Campbell movies to foreigners anyways? They never understand. At this point, shitty one-liners dog the script while we continue to witness the snail’s pace of a picture. Uncle Kup and Hot Rod are taken to a jail cell where they chat it up with a convicted felon named “Big Darryl.” They get some information before having to go on trial for being a poor excuse for an Optimus Prime replacement. Hot Rod, how do you plead?

You plead fuckin’ guilty is what you plead.

Fuck. I can’t go on. I’ve been watching this movie while typing this shit up and it’s so bad that I can’t even finish watching it. So, instead of a play-by-play, I’m just gonna summarize the rest of the film…ya dig? Good.

So the Cowboys escape their judgment with a PBJ and meet back up with the remainder of the team. By now, Ultra Magnus has lost the Matrix trilogy to Calsitron and his gang only to track them down after a brief square dance with the Junkatrons. A final showdown takes place between the factions, resulting in the defeat of the villainous Decepticons. Vader and the death star fall to a rebel invasion and Hot Rod becomes Rodimus Prime; the successor to Optimus and his leadership abilities. All this ends the crappy movie and settles it famously into the hearts of jerk-lava like yourself.

This movie was of a very low quality all around. From the deaths of almost every major character to the horrible soundtrack choice, this movie screams “hit me with a big fuckin’ stick!” I would be happy to oblige but I don’t actually own this. If you have a copy of this movie you don’t mind me hitting with a stick, please mail it to me as soon as you can. It is rather imperative that I beat the living fuck out of this movie at my soonest convenience. Thanks.

In conclusion, I would like to point out that I know as a Transformer fan; you loved this movie. You probably still rant about how great you think it is and how you masturbate to Arcee every night before you go to bed. Well good for you and your shackle-cat lifestyle, but I am a man who speaks nothing but truths about this film; and the truth is: it sucks a kangaroo's nipple. Scratch that. It sucks Captain Kangaroo's nipple. If you want inappropriate music, the death of your heroes, a bad screenplay, poor animation, and to bitch for all eternity about how you hate the 2007 movie, then watch this. You’ll love it. However, if you’re anyone on earth who can possibly think for themselves, don’t put forth the money, effort, or time to watch it. If you want to watch a good Transformers movie then buy the new one on DVD this holiday season. It (despite what you’ll hear on the internet) is way better than the old piece of shit. Buy it. Anyways, get the fuck off my blog and don’t even think about defending this junk pile on the comments section, because you know I’ll hit you so fuckin’ hard that your uncle Kup will have 6 more war stories. You can have faith in that.

And not the George Michael single.

You don’t deserve it.

Until next horrible thing,
-Sassy Frog