Game Review - Playstation 3

What would you say if I told you that the Sony Playstation 3 was a giant hunk of feces? Fine, a giant hunk of high definition feces. Thanks to an army of corporate imbeciles, we’ve learned as a human collective that shit can come in 1080p. The “p” is for “poop.” It’s also my understanding that the PS3 (hereby referred to as the PS3) is capable of draining your pockets unnecessarily while at the same time, destroying what’s left of your inner child. I admit; I’m impressed.

Since the release of Sony’s 3rd video game console to the world, we’ve seen a multitude of cocky representatives talk a good game about the Playstation product and all of its new features. However, the one feature they seemed to exclude from this console is “fun.” Now, I’m no expert (yes I am) but as a person (expert) who enjoys video games on a daily basis, I find it a bit odd that for all its bells and whistles, this system lacks anything to actually gloat about. At least penny loafers held pennies.

The first kick in the nuts one experiences with the PS3 is the almighty price tag. Let me just put it this way; If I really wanted a big pile of shit, I could forgo the 600 dollars and just spend $12.95 at a Chinese buffet. Both situations end with me having a pile of shit and a bucket of regret, and the only difference is that I’ll have money left in my bank account afterwards. Enough (in fact) to go purchase an X-Box 360, a Nintendo Wii and I’d still have enough left over to hit the Rita’s down the street for a gelato. I know that Sony tries to justify the price with promises of blu-ray, Hi-def, and double stimulation vibrators, but if history dictates anything, Sony’s proprietary media will fall in honor of the legendary Beta Max. Apparently hind sight isn’t always 20/20.

Next on the list of horrible insults perpetrated by Sony is the fact that the system only lives up to it’s full potential if you’ve previously spent your mega-millions on a multimedia entertainment setup. This means that you need a high definition television capable of 1080p resolution, 5.1 surround sound audio, and gold component cables for appropriate system hook up. For an even better experience, you also might want to invest in a decent entertainment center that can hold all this crap, as well as a nice place to sit (couch, chair, loveseat, stool, front seat on Superman: ride of steel). So, assuming you’ve already spent the 10k on the surrounding fundamentals, you then hook up the system and enjoy. Wait…maybe not. I guess you’ll need some games, a memory card converter (and if you have any friends left) you might want to get a 2nd controller. But (like I said) you probably don’t have any friends and/or lovers left by now and as such, you might want to just divert your funds into a solid porn collection. Nothing says “better than PS3” than having all 34 volumes of “Chocolate Anal Sisters and the Spider-Vag Chronicles.” Some of the only sequels that actually gets better with chronology, like the Rocky series.

Now, when you think of a good video game system, you can’t help but dream of the many classic titles that go hand-in-hand with said memorable console. However, we seem to run into a slight problem when our topic marker is the PS3 (hereby referred to as the PS3). You may not have a full understanding of how limited the library of “classics” are for the PS3, but I can tell you this: They fucking suck and they don’t fucking exist. The most recent release that was hurled from the acid lined stomach of the PS3 is a gemstone called “Lair.” In this title, you twirl your controller in order to correlate the movements with your flying on-screen lizard. Sounds like fun, huh? Well, it’s not, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Now, now…I know you’re hoping that this title is bottom of the barrel as far as PS3 games go, but unfortunately it’s heralded as the “best.” More like the “best” piece of shit! See what I did there? God, I’m funny. Anyways, to summarize the collection of games that legitimizes purchasing this asshole piece of hardware: There are none. The only thing it had going for it (sort of I guess) was the pre Christmas release of Grand Theft Auto 4, which has subsequently been pushed back to 2nd quarter 2008. This means that the holiday mortality rate for the PS3 is going to skyrocket like Shia Lebeouf’s career since Transformers. P.S.3-R.I.P.-L.O.L.

I would also like to make mention that I used to operate my awake time as an employee of Game Stop (fuck Game Stop) for a period of 6 months. During this time, I learned an important lesson about the PS3- nobody wants them. Seriously, go to Playstation 3’s MySpace page and you’ll notice that all of its pictures are at a ¾ view. This means that it’s fat. And what’s worse is that it has no personality to make up for it.

Sassy: “Have you met my friend, the PS3?”
Gwen: “Is he cute?”
Sassy: “Well, he’s got a great pers...uhm…”
Gwen: “Well..?”
Sassy: “Geez, I don’t know.”
Gwen: “Heyyyy…so I got to get back to work.”
Sassy: “Well, just so you know, PS3 thinks you’re cute.”
Gwen: “I’m seeing someone.”

Playstation 3 isn’t even someone (physical bio-incarnation metaphore) I’d want to hang out with. You know he’d probably just mooch nachos off you at the movie theatre and never pay you back. Then when you approach him about it, he’d make some excuse that he’s unemployed because no one buys him. Well, ok…I’d let that one slide, but he’s not getting anymore of my nachos. Seriously though, we would use the PS3 boxes in the storage room to build forts, meanwhile, we couldn’t keep Wii’s in stock for more than 20 minutes. I think we only got one PS3 out the doors, and that was only because of theft.

Also, he returned it.

Fuck. I hate Game Stop.

Now, if any of you Cock Laundromats have a desire to own a PS3 after my rantings of justice and truth, let me wind down this insert with some factual facts from the internet. As of this week, the PS3 is at the bottom of the console buy list as marked by http://www.vgchartz.com/ The Nintendo Wii sits on a mountain of gold at 11.3 million units sold with the X-Box 360 finishing a respectable 2nd place with 10.82 million units out the door. What’s hilarious is that you’d then expect the worldwide sales of the PS3 to obviously lock it in at 3rd place, but then you’d be wrong! Taking 3rd place is the system’s fantastic predecessor, the Playstation 2 at 6.63 million sold! The PS3 eventually takes an astounding 4th place reign with 4.5 million units forced on the public. And I am referring to systems bought during the current console generation, so when I’m talking about PS2 sales, I am NOT referring to their sales prior to the 2007 year. I’m talking about new units sold since the PS3 was released. *golf clap* So if you don’t believe me, fan boys, check the damn math. Not only can I prove you wrong with science, but now I can add math to the equation! Get it? Add math? Equation?!

Oh, shut the fuck up.

There’s seriously no reason to ever own one of these. I’m sorry, but I can’t condone coughing up multiple hundreds of dollars to stick this near your TV. At best, I suggest you go to a friend’s house to try one out if you simply must, but if you’re a person like me, you don’t associate yourself with PS3 owning persons. Just remember guys- Republicans own Playstation 3’s, and you don’t want to be one of them? Do you?

In conclusion, I feel that Sony can pull themselves out of this console grave by simply dropping the system price by a million dollars and giving us some games we actually want. Not Lair. If they apply this knowledge to their business plan, they just might be able to win the console wars with a fierce underdog comeback. I have faith.

The George Michael single.

Not in the PS3 (hereby referred to as the PS3).

Until the next horrible thing I endure,
-Sassy Frog