Game Review - Gears Of War

When I think of all the video games I’ve played in my life, the first things I recall are the classics that lined my shelves in my sassy youth. Mega Man 2, Castlevania, Super Mario Brothers 3, Marble Madness, Monster Party, Street fighter 2, Super Metroid, and Tetris Attack are just a few of the titles that gallop about in the fields of my memories. However, imagine that playing these games is what you do while you sleep cozily in your bed at night. You know, deep in slumber while wonderfully dreaming of gaming classics prancing childishly around your gallant silhouette. Then, angrily, and without warning, a smelly hobo kicks you in the teeth and yells “Gears of War!”

Well fuck that.

I am a true gamer in a community of retarded shackle-cats, who (I will admit) was looking quite forward to playing “Gears” after the plethora of positive reviews. Magazine after magazine hurled some of the tightest compliments about the beauty and handling of this “soon-to-be classic.” Even the good folks at Penny Arcade couldn’t help but use a string of unnecessarily large words to over describe the game’s attributes (they don’t do this on a regular basis). I mean, all across (gotcha!) the internet I’ve seen message boards, review columns (the ‘gotcha’ was about the Penny Arcade thing), and blogs written about the astounding quality (because they do always over complicate explanations) of Gears and its multiplayer online (so basically, it was a joke) skirmishes. So when I purchased a copy for my X-Box 360, I expected nothing short of “amazing” at the exact moment I picked up the controller. I popped the disc in the drive, sat in my recliner (8 feet from my TV), felt the heat off the 360 from my seat (again, 8 feet away), and waited as my expectations sharply rose. After I started a new game, a hobo started lining up his foot to my mouth. I smelled...trouble.

Although (in fairness) that smell could have been the 360 melting my entertainment center.

The game takes place after E-Day, which is startlingly like D-Day, but with a whole different letter of the alphabet. Apparently some hotfoot shenanigans have gone down and your character (we’ll call him Lt. Snuffmuffins) is being broken out of jail by some college chums who were conveniently in the neighborhood ordering hookers. A brief conversation reveals to us that…well, OK, it reveals nothing...but maybe it’s because we’re building tension. Then the scene ends with “shit;” both a direct quote from the character as well as a metaphor for the rest of the game.

When you start to control the actions of Lt. Snuffmuffins, I’m reminded of “Dirty Jobs” from the Discovery Channel. It’s dark, looks smelly, and the running videographer can’t hold the damn camera straight. It’s apparent that in the year 20XX, they don’t sell Nike Shocks at Foot Locker anymore. All this would be ok, but the downside is that I’m not rewarded with an interview led by Mike Rowe in the next scene. As a matter of fact (now that I think about it) the whole game is like a Mike Rowe-less Dirty Jobs.

Well fuck that too.

Now, after roaming around for a minute in the dark, you finally wander into a room that has sunlight, and as such, you can see everything. But can Lt. Snuffmuffins see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

“Because it has more color than the setting of “Gears of War?”

No, it’s because kids like to be able to accurately have control of things. A child can control a spoon of CTC better then a future-marine in Gears of War, and that’s not surprising considering how shitty this product plays. Sure, it starts out ok when you’re just bumbling around, but eventually they want you to kill something. This is expected considering the title is “Gears of War” and not “Gears of Quiet Mid Day Strolls,” but you’d think someone making this game would have spoken up. I know if I were programming this game, I would want it to feel tight and natural, like having sex with a16 year old.

Shit.

What I meant to say was that anytime you’re hiding behind anything and try to change your view with the right analog stick, the camera blissfully lodges itself in the good Lieutenant’s ass. It just creeps right up in there, and if someone attacks you from behind while you’re trying to “rectumfy” the situation, (see what I did there?) you get murdered on the spot. And if that wasn’t bad enough, every gun-wielding villain in this game graduated from sniper school with a PhD in head shots. I mean, once you’re under fire, you’re number is up! They will take you down faster than something that takes you down really fuckin’ fast, and I’m not kidding. You see, one of the staples of first person shooters is the ease in destroying random assholes with a gun. However, Microsoft boldly stepped forward and threw all the rules of first person shooting out the “windows.” (See? I did it again)

Smooth controls? Don’t need ‘em.

Moderate A.I.? Over rated.

Some colorful scenery? Unwanted.

Fun game play? Yeah right.

Camera in the butt? FUCK YEAH!

I would normally applaud a company for stepping outside the box and trying something new; similar to how “Smackdown VS Raw” added a new thumb stick grappling control to the game play last year. I would also applaud SvR for not throwing all the rules of its gaming genre into the toilet only to replace the losses with elements of Wave Race 64. In summary; (despite what 18 thousand internet idiots might tell you) these controls for a 1st person shooter are comparable to the puckering of your anus after learning your girlfriend wants to “turn the tables” to “see how you like it.” Don’t understand the metaphor? Good. You have proven yourself a useful member of society; now get me a number 4 with a medium fry. Also, if you have any barbeque sauce, just toss it in the bag.

Next on my list of seething hatred regarding Gears is the apparent need to make this transaction look like a movie. Yes, yes, I understand that making the graphics fantastic (which I will admit they are) and taking away all indicators of life, ammunition, maps, cross hairs, and compass does in fact make this game feel more like a movie. The problem is; I don’t pay 60 dollars for a movie. I pay 60 dollars for a video game. I want to see where I’m shooting. I want the camera to be steadied. I want a health bar on screen. I want a map to view. I want some beautiful scenery. Instead of any of that, all I want to do is take it back. Fuck. I mean, it’s a shooting game without cross hairs. C’mon! I don’t want my health to be viewable only in a situation where I’m 2 seconds from death! Who thought of that?! Fuck!

“But Sassy, it’s gotten great reviews!”

So did Matrix Reloaded. What’s your point?

Anyways, there is just far too much bullshit to ignore about this game as a whole. However, I do enjoy holding the run button…that is until Snuffmuffins gets near a wall, in which case he decides its suddenly stealth time. I imagine that this training came from his prepubescent youth when he would run through the house operating an RC car. He would probably just bolt through the dining room until he realized his 13 year old sister was having a sleepover, and suddenly he’d stop running and hit the deck behind the kitchen counter in order to listen in on the giggling conversation. His weaponless hands would be held aloft and together, index fingers extended, like his weapon of choice was a flesh magnum.

I also think that’s the name of a porno I saw a long time ago.

Someone e-mail me if you can find the adult movie- “Flesh Magnum.”

Fast forward 30 years, and Snuffmuffins is putting himself to the test, just a few feet away from impending doom. Anyways, so I’m running through some back alleys and find myself getting more and more infuriated with the cameras. If you’re in “run mode” you can’t see anything at all to Snuffmuffins’ left, and the stuff you can see on his right is shaky as hell from all the “realistic run action” you’re forced to endure. So either way, you can’t see shit, and you will probably die. But, if you manage to live, you get to this room where suddenly everyone around wants to shoot you in the face. There’s all these flashes of gunfire that are so realistic (and moviesque) that you can’t tell where the bullets are coming from, and even if you manage to get a good view of your surroundings, everything is so gray and colorless that you can’t make out any foes amongst the concrete and metal floors. Maybe this will ease up later. Yeah, and maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.

Haha! I just shot this guy in the face, and he took it like The Rock selling a Stone Cold Stunner. I don’t know why shooting someone in the face with a machine gun makes them fly towards you across the floor though. Oh well, at least it was a part of this game I could give some “fun” credit to, because the rest of it sure ain’t doing well on that scale. Next, you receive false advertisement as Snuffmuffins and his college crony escape on a conveniently passing chopper, avoiding the giant monster I kind of wanted to kill. What a bummer. Interestingly enough though, I did notice some parallels to our real life, as some southern shackle-cat in charge yelling that he “has a plan to end the war” and then the smartest character in the group uttering “yeah right.” This is (of course) after Snuffmuffins is labeled a traitor and then asked to give 110% for his superiors. 110%?! Who does he think this guy is, The Defuser?! God, this game would have been much better if I got to play as the Defuser instead of Graysmith McCharcoalgray. I mean, the controls would have sucked, but at least the protagonist would have been radical- just like Transformers: The Game. Although, I took that back too.

You know what? I honestly can’t justify spending any more time playing this game to review it. I’d rather perform acts of pure justice, like going to a restaurant and punching a crying baby in the face. Oh shut up. You know they deserve it, and what’s worse is that no one has the balls to buck up and Hadoken those little fuckers in the jaw line themselves. When I’m enjoying a steak, silence is golden; as is the corral I am enjoying the afore mentioned steak at. Then I would most likely end my patriotic duties for the evening by finding Brittany Spears and filling her vagina in with Silly Putty. Hey, someone’s gotta do it sooner or later, and it might as well be me. With that being said, I’m now turning off my X-Box 360.

Aahhhh…I love the feeling I get when I turn Gears of War off. It’s comparable to the feeling you get the first time you realize you can use Twizzlers as a straw for your beverage, or how excited you get when you build your IKEA bed and end up with a whole bag of left over pieces. You’re all like “I’m so talented that I didn’t even need all the parts!” Then you take a victorious sip of Mountain Dew through a Twizzler. Anyways, back to my point; Gears of War is a travesty on mankind’s greatest gaming evolutions. In summary, I feel this game was over hyped and over priced. The let down I felt was relatively heart shattering in so many ways, and I feel like Microsoft has duped us all yet again. If I were you, I would never buy this game, and immediately stop listening to Linkin Park. Yeah, I know you do. But, the situation may not be a total loss for the 360 after all. Maybe they’ll make a sequel that will dump all of the control schematics from this game, and they’ll change the setting to a lusciously green New Zealand. It would be pretty and control well at the same time, proving that everything is not lost for Gear of War. I have faith.

The George Michael single.

Not in Grays of War.

Uh...I mean Gears of War.

Until next horrible thing
-Sassy Frog